Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Wake me when AI does housework
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew