[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.