henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You Might Also Like
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Owl Sanctuary
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
fr
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.