It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?