Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die