Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.