If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
based al yankovic
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants