This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
choose your gary
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.