The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I can’t be the only one 😂
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.