Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
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I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“you recording!?”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period