The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
this is the news I live for
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks