The morning after pill, but for tweets
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“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor