I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
You Might Also Like
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes