Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait