My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
my mind
You just read my mind
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
That time Alicia messaged me
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?