Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty