Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶