Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Breaking news:
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.