Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?