Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus