“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
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Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.