I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.