A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct