Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
no one likes gloating
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.