Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”