them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.