Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[the middle of showering] I need a break