I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight