Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.