I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
You Might Also Like
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight