why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
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My typo game is string.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Need WebMD
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!