WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
me when i see my girls butt
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night