So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
*puts cutlery down*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
kevin is now a local weatherman
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”