To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account