I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
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Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Pringles
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.