Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw