I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
When libraries troll their patrons.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
How funny!
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My life in a nutshell
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.