First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
jesus, what did this guy do
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music