“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”