I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*