I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops