I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.