Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I don’t think my car can fly
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.