Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
You Might Also Like
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.