Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
me when i see my girls butt
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.