*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.