Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?