Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
my nickname in college
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room