Don’t talk down to me
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90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Ha.
How it started How it’s going
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.