I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Saw online –
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*